#5 – Stanley the Bugman
You might be wondering who Stanley the Bugman is. And I’ll answer that question for you. He’s the protagonist of 1986’s Donkey Kong 3, and, aside from a minor role in Game and Watch Gallery 3 for the Gameboy Advance, he hasn’t been seen since. There’s a decent reason for that – Donkey Kong 3 didn’t do that great in the arcade and Nintendo would like to forget all about it and poor Stanley the Bugman. And I won’t let them.
To cut a long story short, Stanley is a bug exterminator who gets the surprise of a lifetime when he finds Donkey Kong fucking about inside of his greenhouse for some reason. Grabbing his bug repellent, the plucky hero decides he ain’t gonna take this shit sitting down. Cue the usual arcade game, which revolves around you repeatedly shooting Donkey Kong in the arse with your vaguely-phallic bug spray cannon, until he hits the top of the screen and gets his head stuck in a beehive. After that, another stage follows where you do the same thing except it’s a bit harder. Repeat ad infinitum, until you eventually run out of pennies to play with and your Mum won’t give you any more. Yeah, it’s an arcade game. It’s not a terrible one, but it isn’t great either. Think Galaga or something similar except with a far more awkward system of movement, which is far more likely to kill you than all of the tiny little bee bullets or whatever it is that the bugs are shooting.
So, why should Stanley the Bugman return and show his face in Smash Bros? If you want to talk about long-forgotten Nintendo characters, Stanley is one of them. The poor guy never got the chance that he deserved, really. He was cut down in his prime. And for that reason, he’s out for blood. He wants to punch Mario’s face in and steal his thunder. He wants to hit Donkey Kong with the broad side of his bug cannon because he blames him for his somewhat lacklustre arcade game.
I think he has the opportunity to have a cool move set which would mostly involve his bug spray pump. All of his basic directional combos could involve it somehow, and I could absolutely see his up special involving him propelling himself into the air with it. For another special, he could lob an insect that floats around in a pattern reminiscent of the game, shooting bullets about and generally being annoying.
Come on, Nintendo. You let Duck Hunt Dog have a go. Now it’s Stanley’s turn. Besides, every Smash game introduces about three new Mario characters. Stanley can be one of them.
#4 – Mother Brain
Here’s a character that needs no explanation. Just in case, I’m going to give you one.
It’s Motherfuckin’ Brain, Nintendo’s first female villain. This cerebral pile of red goo first appeared in Metroid on the NES, and she’s been an enormous pain in Samus Aran’s arse ever since. She’s the self-made leader of the Space Pirates. Originally made to be a benevolent AI by Samus’ mates, the Chozo, she soon changed her tune as soon as she met the Space Pirate’s themselves. Instead, she decided that she wanted to ‘reset the Universe back to zero’. Yeah, nice one. People really shouldn’t bother making benevolent AIs, it always turns out this way.
She gets her brainy arse smacked about by missiles across a multitude of Metroid games, so that’s why she should make an appearance in Smash. And let’s be honest, there needs to be another Metroid character on the roster, just for the representation. Sure, you could go for Ridley or something, but that would make sense. Have it so that she’s stationary in the middle of the level. She can throw those annoying bullet rings out, and generally make a nuisance of herself. I’m telling you, it could work.
That’s a picture of perfection right there. She’d have to have an HP meter, since you obviously can’t smash that out of the stage. Probably defeats the purpose of the name ‘Super Smash Bros’, but we can have one character where that title isn’t applicable. As you can see in the picture, she can also set up those cannons that she uses in the Metroid boss fight, in order to establish herself as more of a pest than she already is. So that she can defend herself her jab moves would make the big spikes embedded inside of her would thrust outward, knocking back anyone trying to hit her.
Alternatively, Mother Brain gets a new form in Super Metroid. And it’s definitely worthy of being in a ‘Super’ game. I present to you – er, Mother Brain again. But with a body!
Look at it. It’s terrifying. The spiky ball of red matter sits atop of a meaty, artificial throne. Obviously, it’s about three times the size of Samus, but it’s not like she can’t be downsized for Smash, or that height is particularly consistent across Nintendo characters in the first place. It’s pretty obvious what her moveset would be like – she’d be a big, heavy brawler, similar to another staple Nintendo villain, Bowser. No surprises or sitting in the middle of the stage nonsense here. Still, if I were to pump for either option, I’d totally go for the first idea. Put her in the middle of the stage. Let her shoot bullets.
#3 – Doshin the Giant
Whatever happened to Doshin the Giant? Furthermore, who the hell is Doshin the Giant? Well, much like Stanley the Bugman, he appeared in a somewhat underwhelming game and was promptly brushed underneath the carpet. But just like Stanley, it’s time for this big yellow Legoman lookalike bastard to make a return. He first appeared in a game that never saw an international release, probably because it was for the Nintendo 64DD which never made it’s way out of Japan. That game was Doshin the Giant. Three years later, it made it’s way onto the Nintendo GameCube, though only in Japanese and European territories, making him a bit of an outlier. Still, Earthbound was only released in American and Japanese territories, and Lucas and Ness get a pass, so – yeah, Doshin.
To explain Doshin the Giant a bit, it’s a God simulation game. Think along the lines of Black and White and Populous. There’s villager NPCs which you can either choose to help or hinder, in order to gain either their appreciation or scorn. As Doshin, you can help them out by gathering supplies for them and helping them move their buildings around. In the screenshot above, you can see hearts around the screen. Fill the border of the screen with hearts, and, er, Doshin will grow bigger. No, not like that, he literally doubles in size. No, that’s not what she said.
If you want to be an arse, however, you can turn Doshin into Jashin, who is a properly satanic looking prick who can shoot fireballs and make everyone’s life a total misery. With him, you have to destroy buildings and kill villagers, which gets you skulls. Gain a full ring of skulls, and Jashin will grow so that he can be a doubly evil bastard.
The aim of the game, ultimately, is to continue growing so that you can help the villagers construct the biblical Tower of Babel, which, when finished, causes the whole island to sink into the ocean. After you’ve done this, another one pops up, and Doshin has a wander over to that one, where he helps another group of villagers do the same thing. I wonder why this game didn’t catch on and become mainstream.
In Smash, he could utilise his split personality to his advantage. Doshin could be your up-close brawler, attacking with a wide variety of kicks, punches, and grabs. When he wants a range option, he could change into Jashin, who would have a variety of fireball related ranged attacks. To compensate, Jashin would be lighter than Doshin, making him easier to hit off of the stage if you do get a good hit in on him. Or you could make Jashin an exponentially more powerful limited time Final Smash form. Either way, Doshin needs to make it into Smash, just so that everyone can remark about how unfortunate it is that his bellybutton is so close to his crotch, making him look more like Doshin the Tiny.
#2 – Toadsworth
Toadsworth is Princess Peach’s steward, and he’s apparently sixty years old. If he was introduced into the game, that’d make him one of the oldest scrappers, adding some sorely needed representation into the game. He first appeared in Super Mario Sunshine, joining Mario on his vaction to Delfino Isle. He doesn’t really provide any help throughout the game, really. However, you can spray him with water, which makes him produce many amusing noises.
You could definitely throw that in as a taunt, to begin with. As for his moves, er – well. He doesn’t do much fighting in any of the games that he’s in, to be honest. So we’ll have to be a bit creative. His jabs would obviously involve him swinging his cane around, poking his enemies with the sharp tip and bonking them on the head with the pommel on top. In similar cane related moves, for his down special, he could bounce around the stage on his cane, ala Scrooge McDuck from DuckTales.
For his other moves – well, he isn’t called Toadsworth for nothing. He could summon a one or two of those chirpy little buggers in to do some damage for him. I think that one of his special move should be a headbutt, too, on account of his big bonce.
Super Smash Bros needs Toadsworth. Why? Toadsworth would add a touch of dignity and classiness that the game is a sore need of. Think of the rose-toting boxer, Dudley, from Street Fighter. With Toadsworth, there’d be no hits below the belt, but you can bet that he’s going to hit you upside the head with that cane of his.
Besides, every Smash game introduces about three new Mario characters. Toadsworth can be one of them.
#1 – Jimmy T.
Who’s this handsome fellow?
The man himself. Jimmy T. If you aren’t familiar, he’s from the Wario Ware series, showing up in every single game right from the original. He’s your classic disco warrior, huge afro, shades, mad jacket, and a big red nose because he’s been sniffing a lot. Because he has a cold. Not because of something he’s been doing in the toilets at the club.
The Wario Ware games, if you’re not familiar with them, revolve around playing a series of ‘micro games’ that aren’t quite mini games. Usually you have to hit a button make a character jump over an obstacle, or swing a tennis racket at the right time, or pick someone’s nose. Jimmy’s games are usually sports themed for some reason, and involve him getting sucked into his phone. Neither of which make much sense for someone who is essentially Disco Stu from The Simpsons, but the guy is so damn cool that we can’t question it. This is also why nobody would question him appearing in Smash, and it would just be an excellent idea all around to bring this guy in the fighting fold.
In line with the theme of his micro games, he could have sports-related moves that have a disco spin to them. For example, he could have a slam dunk move that, instead of using a basket ball, uses a disco ball. Or, an attack where he kicks a football at them, but instead of using a football, he uses a disco ball. He could incorporate his phone into an attack too, perhaps by lobbing it at them and making it explode with his disco fury. For his generally punchy and kicky moves, he could be a bit like Eddy Gordo from Tekken, making his fighting style more of a dance set than a martial art. Plus, whenever he successfully smashes anyone out of the ring, he can let out a cool ‘oh, baby‘.
For his Final Smash, he could lay out a classic disco dance floor, forcing everyone on the battlefield to dance and jig away, whilst Jimmy gets free control to set up whatever he so desires. The set could end by dropping yet another disco ball on everyone, dealing moderate damage and giving Jimmy the advantage.
Well, that’s about it. There’s five characters that definitely won’t make it into Smash, but I’d like them to. However, if any of these characters do come into the game, then I’ll edit this article so it looks like I predicted it all along. Then I can pretend to be a prophet and get an absolute fuckton of Twitter followers and take over the world.
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