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In perhaps the laziest feature yet, here’s five brand new Pokémon that I think should make an appearance in the new Switch game, courtesy of our good friend MS Paint.

Punchroach

cockroachboy

Come take a look at Punchroach, your new favourite Bug/Fighting type. Punchroach is based off of one of nature’s toughest insects, the cockroach. It’s moveset would focus entirely on the various punch moves in the game. His exclusive move would be called Bug Beatdown and it’d smash the other Pokémon’s fucking face in for high damage, basically. It’s ability would be called Big Shell, and it would ensure that it couldn’t be effected by any kind of status effect, or a nuclear explosion. Fire moves wouldn’t work on it either because it’s hard as nails.

Narwhataguy

narwhalguy

Narwhataguy is your customary Water-type Pokémon. Exclusively male, he’s just known for being an all around good guy who’s happy to come round and help you paint your fence or bake a cake or whatever. His Pokédex entry would point out that the horn on his nose is actually a drill, so he’s really good at drilling stuff as well. His evolution would turn it into a bigger drill that could drill all the way to the Earth’s gooey magma core. Thankfully, Narwhataguy is too much of a guy to bother with such apocalyptic pursuits.

Mountane

mountaindude

Look, it’s our new friend Mountane, a Rock-type Pokémon based off of a mountain. What a time to be alive. The only move that it can learn is Heavy Slam, until it evolves into ‘Mountaneous’ at level 32, and gets a big, ripped bod to properly hit stuff with. According to it’s Pokédex entry, it’s diet consists entirely of trees, vans, and trucks. It’s ability would be Wonder Guard, just to upset Shedinja and because, come on, it’s a mountain. Don’t act like your Tackle move is gonna do shit.

Caplord

hatmon
Caplord. A Ghost/Grass Pokémon. Grass, because it’s made from natural fibres. A possessed hat that will stop at nothing to make your Pokémon faint. His signature move would be called Backwards Wear, wherein it would land on your trainer’s head backwards and make them look really cool. It has no special mind control powers when it’s on your head or anything, though, unlike another cap that you may or may not be familiar with. It’ll just keep it warm and dry. Which is better than possession, anyway. As for it’s ability, let’s just say it has, er, Prankster or something.

Pikabrand Gaming Mouse™

pikamouse

Every new Pokémon game has a Pikachu clone, so, here’s yours, Nintendo Switch. It’s a Pikachu and a computer mouse. Because Pikachu is an electric mouse. Yeah. It’s not wireless, which works to his advantage, as it uses it to strangle both Pokémon and trainer alike whilst electric shocking the shit out of them.. I don’t really need to say more than that, do I?

As always, that was a load of irrelevant nonsense. I suppose I’ll seal the deal with the usual ask to follow me on Twitter. You’ll find the usual tweets about new features there, as well as complaints about when the vending machine at work is out of Monster Energy. Go on. Follow me. You know you want to.

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