Since E3 was so gash this year (with a few exceptions), I thought I’d write up a bit of a jokey article about a better E3. An alternate E3. An E3 where some genuinely surprising stuff went down. So, here it is. Just bear in mind that it’s a bit tongue in cheek.
I can’t speak for everyone, but I thought that E3 this year was an absolute smash. Every conference had some incredible and interesting moments, and there were very few mediocre looking games! I’m so excited about it that I just have to write an article about some of the hottest announcements from E3 this year.
Sony announce the PlayStation 5
It’s always exciting when a new console is announced, isn’t it? It’s especially exciting when we didn’t expect one to be announced this year! Since Sony have been saying that the PlayStation 4 is entering the ‘last phase’ of it’s life cycle, many expected them to announce a new product sometime next year. However, Sony raised both of their middle fingers to expectations and decided to announce their next generation console before anyone else did. Take a look at the PlayStation 5, folks – it’s a beaut.
It’s a fair bit of a departure from Sony’s usual design – being a cube and all – but they’re wanting to encourage portability, hence the lunchbox-like handle that you can see there poking from the back. And speaking of design, just look at that luscious royal purple – a big difference from the usual boring Sony matte black. They didn’t address this, but since Barney the Dinosaur was the one to unveil it, that might have something to do with it.
I’m also digging the bright yellow analogue stick on the controller, or the E-stick as Sony are calling it. Infact, I’m just digging that controller all over – and I don’t need to say why. It just screams fun and innovation.
The announced launch titles look like a blast, too. I can’t wait to dig into the likes of Killstorm Island Vacation, Super Bandicoot Ball, and Wipeout: Blue Storm, which all looked like absolutely barnstorming titles. In particular, it was a delight to see Kratos wielding a vacuum cleaner and flashlight in God of War spin-off Kratos’ Mansion.
Overall, Sony just knocked it out of the park with this one. Microsoft, Nintendo, and Hyundai have some catching up to do after this shock announcement.
Sonic Maker 2 announced
It makes absolute sense for Nintendo to announce Sonic Maker 2. The first one was great, after all, appealing to everyone’s inner game designer by letting them make their own 2D Sonic levels, and upload them online for thousands to play.
Still, there were a few vital features missing from the original – the fact that you couldn’t add slopes was a total arse, for example. The announcement trailer at E3 confirmed that we would get all of the missing features that we wanted and more, though. Nintendo confirmed that we’d be able to not only play with Sonic this time, but also series mainstays such as Tails, Knuckles, and Big the Cat.
There’s even some stuff that we didn’t want, like the ability to make those horrible bonus levels from Sonic the Hedgehog 3 that give me motion sickness.
Even more exciting is that it’s launching on the Nintendo FuckYou in August 2018, meaning that we’re not going to have to wait very long to get stuck back in to making levels for our favourite blue blur to speed around. Colour me excited!
FIFA 2019 is getting a battle royale mode
Everything is getting a Battle Royale mode after the success of Fortnite and Metroid: Battlegrounds. Cashing in on their popularity, a lot of developers announced their own version of Battle Royale at E3 this year – Medal of Honor, Battlefield, and even Street Fighter, but the most surprising of the lot was the latest iteration of EA’s soccer simulator FIFA 19.
Sticking within the trappings of the genre, one hundred players will be dropped down into London’s Wembley Stadium. When they land, players will have to stay within an ever-shrinking circle on the pitch, looting kits, footie boots, and a variety of weapons.
Watch out for the referee, though – he can red card you if you’re eating your dinner down the microphone like an obnoxiously loud prick.
Washing Machine Simulator 3 finally gets release date
Defying expectations, developer Bosch announced that the highly sought after Washing Machine Simulator 3 is in active development, and will be launching around Winter of 2019, exclusive to Microsoft’s Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxbox.
I really don’t think that I need to say much more than that. Fans have been begging for this one for years. The last that we saw of the franchise was in 2007, with the critically acclaimed Washing Machine Simulator 2: Episode Two. That means gamers have been waiting over a decade, wondering if Gordon Freeman can wash all of his dirty clothes in time for Monday morning, despite having to do three separate colour runs in one day.
Everyone can play Fortnite together, whatever
I don’t know why I’m bothering to write about this one, because given the fact that the title can be played across multiple platforms, it seems like a given in modern multiplayer that everyone can play this one together. There is absolutely zero reason why any particular company, for example, Sony, would restrict everyone from having a good ol’ lark together, building crap and shooting one another and whatever it is that they do on Fortnite.
The good news about this one, I suppose, is that you can transfer your account, allowing you to use the premium skins that you’ve bought from device to device.
Seriously, though. If a particular company didn’t let you do this, then, well, they’d be pricks. Giant steaming pricks. You might even go as far as to call them fucks, to be honest. Since we live in a nice world where everyone can get along and play Fortnite together regardless of their platform of choice, though, there’s really no reason to go calling anyone anything, is there?
Well, those were my top five moments from E3 2018. Really, there was just too much to cover in one article – and I’m only one man, after all.
Now, excuse me while I go down to McRonalds. I need to shove at least thirty Small Macs into my face after all of that hype.
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