BOOKER: Harold, after last time, I expected this job to be a punch in the dick. I expected that you’d hook me up with Playmobil. Mega Bloks, even.
BOOKER: I did not expect Nano Block. I’ve never even heard of this shit before.
HAROLD: Don’t start, Booker. I can’t be arsed. I’ve had one hell of a day and the last thing I need is you crowing down the phone at me.
BOOKER: Harold, you prick, you’ve set me up with a proper crap job. How do you think my day is going?
HAROLD: Oi. Wind your neck in, Booker. I’ve been kicked out of my house, my wife is filing for divorce, and I’m having to dodge the paparazzi by hiding in a park full of drug addicts. I can say with one hundred percent certainty that my day is worse than yours. I’ve managed to sort you a decent, paying job out even though my office is up a fucking tree. I’m literally a miracle worker. That’s without mentioning how unemployable you are because of –
BOOKER: Alright, alright, sorry. Fuck. It’s just degrading to be stuck with no name bullshit like this.
HAROLD: It has a name – Nano Block. It’s made by Kawada, in Japan. People love Japan. You love Japan. We all love Japan. Now crack on and review it. Don’t mess it up. I’ve sent someone else to help you figure it out, they’ll be there in a minute.
BOOKER: What? No! This is supposed to be my gig, Harold, you piece of –
HAROLD: I’m hanging up the phone now. Crack. On.
ACE BANANA: Hey man, don’t swear. This is a toy review. Kids could be reading this, you know?
BOOKER: Who the fuck are you supposed to be?
ACE BANANA: Ace. Ace Banana. I’m a banana.
BOOKER: I can see that.
ACE BANANA: I’m your hired help.
BOOKER: Christ on a crutch. Let’s just wrap this up so that I can go home.
ACE BANANA: Last I heard, you were living in your car.
BOOKER: It’s a turn of phrase. Shut up. You’re a fucking banana.
ACE BANANA: So, Nano Blocks, huh?
BOOKER: Yeah. This is such a kick in the ass.
ACE BANANA: I think you mean kickass. This looks awesome! It’s like Lego but smaller!
BOOKER: I didn’t think it was possible to hate you more than I already did.
ACE BANANA: I’ll admit, though, these instructions don’t look so great.
BOOKER: Not so great? These are undecipherable. It’s like an Ikea flat pack but with a billion tiny blocks.
ACE BANANA: Oh, come on. A billion? There’s a couple of hundred, tops.
BOOKER: Do you have to be such a massive contrarian prick?
ACE BANANA: Sorry, Booker. It’s just in my nature. Now look, chin up. These instructions don’t look that bad. I’m sure we’ll have this thing built in no time.
A LOT OF TIME LATER…
ACE BANANA: Yeah, okay. Even I’m starting to lose my patience now.
BOOKER: Fuck this shit! I’m going straight over to Harold and finding out how many of these jillion Nano Blocks I can fit up his arse.
ACE BANANA: Keep your cool, Booker!
BOOKER: Careful, fruit fucker, or you’re going up there too.
SAD CLOWN: What’s all the hubbub?
BOOKER: Great. Another shithead.
ACE BANANA: Don’t talk about him like that! Can’t you see that he’s upset enough already?
SAD CLOWN: Don’t worry about me. I’m quite used to it. I see you’re building the Nano Block Chameleon.
SAD CLOWN: Don’t worry. I’m well versed in nanotechnology. Let me take a look at them.
SAD CLOWN: Ah, well, it’s quite simple, really. It’s a case of building it in layers. See, you start at step one, but you have to build both layers at the same time …
SAD CLOWN: Like so. See? Now you have a basic structure from which to work from.
BOOKER: Great. Can you go ahead and finish it for us?
SAD CLOWN: No. You insulted me. You pair of shitheads can figure it out for yourself. I’ve got a life to lead.
BOOKER: What a prick!
ACE BANANA: If you ask me, his response was perfectly justified. Now, bearing his advice about layers in mind, let’s see if we can finally build this thing!
THIRTY MINUTES LATER…
BOOKER: Huh. Truth be told, this isn’t so bad.
ACE BANANA: It’s fun, right?
BOOKER: I can’t believe that I’m agreeing with a fucking banana, but yes, it is.
ACE BANANA: That’s the spirit!
BOOKER: Now we gotta build a branch for the little dude. Well, I say little. He’s about as twice as big as me.
ACE BANANA: Hey, Booker. What did the tree do when the bank closed?
BOOKER: This is a joke, isn’t it? Please tell me it’s not a joke.
ACE BANANA: It opened it’s own branch!
BOOKER: I’m going to pretend that didn’t happen, for your sake.
BOOKER: Now I gotta put all of these green stickumathings on this branch. Are these supposed to be leaves or moss or something?
ACE BANANA: Hey. Hey, Booker.
BOOKER: Please no more jokes.
ACE BANANA: I can’t be-leaf you don’t want me to tell you a joke!
BOOKER: Okay okay. If it’s a choice between a shit joke or more shit puns, I’ll take the shit jokes.
ACE BANANA: What did the little tree say to the big tree?
ACE BANANA: Leaf me alone!
BOOKER: I’d kill you, but I ‘wood’ not get away with it.
ACE BANANA: Oh, look! It’s not leaves or moss – it’s the chameleon’s feet! That’s unbe-leaf-able!
BOOKER: You’ve used that one twice now. I’d advise sleeping with one eye open for the next few weeks.
ACE BANANA: Are you going to end my leaf, Booker?
BOOKER: Gleefully. Now, let’s get this on here …
BOOKER: Holy moley! That thing must’ve weighed ten tons!
BOOKER: Yeah, well, I got super strength.
ACE BANANA: What? How?
BOOKER: If I told you about it, I’d have to kill you. Hey, wait – on second thoughts, why don’t you ask me again and I’ll tell you all about it?
ACE BANANA: I’ll pass!
ABOUT TEN MINUTES LATER…
ACE BANANA: And the last block goes here!
BOOKER: I’m actually a little sad that it’s over. In the end, building this thing up was pretty fun.
ACE BANANA: Don’t worry, chum! We’ll be reviewing toys like that this for years to come!
BOOKER: God, I hope not. Also, please never call me chum ever again.
ACE BANANA: You got it, friendo!
BOOKER: I am going to eat you.
ACE BANANA: So, Booker – what were your feelings on the model, now that it’s done?
BOOKER: I mean, it’s a pretty sweet chameleon, isn’t it? Has a lot of smaller details and angles that Lego couldn’t really manage. It’d look really nice on a shelf somewhere. Especially if you got the whole menagerie. The instructions were a complete arsehole, at least at first, but when you got past the first step, they were manageable. Made my eyes hurt all the fucking way through, though. So like, I dunno – an eight out of ten?
ACE BANANA: That’s right! There’s a whole ton of animals that you can collect, isn’t there? Like you can get a parrot, a lion, a shark –
BOOKER: Whatever. Use Google. The fun’s over, I’m out of here.
ACE BANANA: But what about finishing the review?
BOOKER : Handle it yourself. I built most of it, anyway. You just stood there, flapped your arms around, and told shit jokes for the most part. Earn your keep.
ACE BANANA: Um. Nano Blocks was fun! I wouldn’t recommend it as a product for small children, but for older kids and model enthusiasts, I’d say, go for it! They can be a little fiddly to make, but overall, they make a pretty great looking model when they’re done! Plus, unlike Lego, it won’t break the bank. Good, clean, affordable fun. Just be careful not to choke on any of the tiny pieces!
BOOKER: Alright, Harold, I did it. I’ll admit, the Nano Block thing was alright in the end. Bit confusing, but a clown came along, and –
HAROLD: As long as it’s done, then I don’t give a shit.
BOOKER: Yeah? Well if you pair me up with a talking piece of fruit again, then I’m done, period. Shit, Harold, I was trying to be nice.
HAROLD: Like fuck you’d ever be done with me. I’m the only idiot that’d still hire you. But point taken on the fruit. I’ll get you a better partner next time.
BOOKER: You better do, Harold. If I’m going to have a co-star, it’d better be a decent one. No fruit. Alright?
HAROLD: Alright. Point taken. Now piss off.
BOOKER: Yeah. Think I won that one, to be honest.
BOOKER: Now, where’s my sleeping bag…
HAROLD: So, uh …
HAROLD: You ever wanted to work in toy reviews?
CORNMAN: Sure, why not?
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