Venture into the comments section of any amateur blog, and you’ll probably come across a spam comment that’s advertising some crap that you probably don’t want. You can recognise them by the heady scent of bad grammar and bullshit promises.
You won’t find ’em here, because every comment posted is moderated by myself before it’s let out into the wild. Even if it wasn’t, and I had public comments on, WordPress is pretty decent when it comes to shielding it’s blogs bits from bots. Say that ten times fast.
Still, though, that doesn’t mean that I don’t get them. Yup – even the comments section of this tiny little website can get something daft like five spam comments a day. Where do they come from? I seriously don’t know. Clearly the spambots grab links from somewhere, hop aboard, post some shit and then jet – but where they’re getting my link from, well – I just said, I seriously don’t know. I also don’t have a clue why they think it’d be valuable to clutter up my comments section, because – most days I don’t get more than a dozen views. And that’s if I’m lucky.
So, in a feature that might make you think ‘what is this fucking website even actually about’, I’m going to take you through the ye olde spam filter into the world of grimy bots. With commentary, of course, because I’m going to at least try a little bit to make this entertaining.
Starting out with a classic, we have your ol’ fashioned casino advert here. Or just, slots. Slots. Slots. Slots. No downloads is fair enough, but no registration? How am I supposed to give you my details, then? Presumably this is a casino that you have to pay into, though I doubt that it pays out all that much. The invitation to plug your bank details into a website that doesn’t even keep a record of who you are is nuts, though. Who’d fall for that?
I’ll take one for the team, here. I’m going to take a look at the website in question. I don’t advise that you do the same. I’m not liable for any malware, viruses or sexually transmitted diseases that you may or may not pick up.
Oh, turns out that it just redirects you to Harrah’s Casino, which looks like a legit website. You can get it from the app store and everything. It has a Facebook page, a Twitter, a Google Plus – everything that a legitimate organisation would have. And wait, what’s that on the top bar?
Lying bastards! You said that I wouldn’t have to register!
The Splatoon 2 Octo Expansion review, weirdly, is where most of my spam comments are posted. I’d like to say that it was a popular article, but that’d be a complete lie. I don’t even think that it’s the most read review, but spam bots seem to love it. Perhaps there’s a few golden Google keywords on there? Who knows. Either way, you’ll see it crop up again in the feature.
Enough about that, though. First, we have an overly familiar greeting. ( what’s up, it’s me! Like I know them. I don’t! I don’t think. ) Then, fastidious. For those of you unfamiliar with the word, it essentially means the same thing as scrupulous – a high attention to detail. So, we have a thorough website full of thorough people. Is it true? Once more, I’ll take a look for you.
The link takes us to a website called Housing Nest, which, as far as I can tell, is a dead website that doesn’t work properly. If it did work, I presume it’s for posting personal adverts, specifically, adverts for people who are looking to rent out a new place. The main website doesn’t work, though. The link does, though, and it throws us into a profile for ChuWrith240, a something or another who currently lives in Sweden.
The user description says it all, though. A robot with a penchant for cheerleading, though it’s never made quite clear if it enjoys the act of cheerleading, or if just enjoys watching cheerleaders. It also likes to learn Swedish in it’s spare time, meaning that it’s more than likely not a native of the country it claims to be from.
After reading this short ‘article’ (and I thought I was bad), we’re invited to check out some e-mail marketing tips. Er, no thanks. I’m not going any further into this rabbit hole. I have a strict ‘one link’ policy. I’ll go no deeper than one layer. That’s my rule. So we’re done here, ChuWirth240.
Your next piece of spam comes from ‘Jeff Nelms’, who seems to be under the impression that this website is some kind of discussion board. Newsflash, mate – it’s just a crappy blog on the arse end of the internet. Anyway, for some reason, he found the Octo Expansion review really useful, and recommended something helpful! Well, I hope it’s better than Harrah’s Casino and Housing Nest, Jeff.
Least useful thing so far, Jeff. Least useful thing so far. I don’t even know what I’m looking at here. Do you? Send in a postcard to firstname.lastname@example.org. I promise that I probably won’t make an addendum to this article with your explanation.
Just in case these are secret keywords to boatloads of traffic, though – Medle. Astazi. Ieri. Nivel Maxim. That felt like a black magic incantation. I hope I don’t wake up as a frog tomorrow.
Masitsu’s here, and he apparently has some tricks for me. Once more, the bot greets me in a manner that’s over pleasant, referring to me, or perhaps the reader, as ‘buddy’. You ain’t my buddy, prick. Anyway, as the comment goes on, it turns out that it is a comment that’s supposed to grab my attention. He knows of a very effective and free method which’ll get me some strong-ass backlinks and INSTANT TRAFFIC. Sounds too good to be true, right? Well, that’s because it is.
You know what? No. I’m jumping the gun. I haven’t even googled ‘masitsu’s tricks’ yet. Let’s give him (it?) the benefit of the doubt and do just that.
Ohoho. A whole blogspot, eh? I’ll be totally honest – my interest is piqued. I’m always interested in bringing more traffic into the website, so hopefully I can actually learn something here. I’m sticking to my rule, though – one layer deep.
I’ll spare you all of the extraneous detail – Masitsu’s trick is to spam as many comment sections with links to your website as possible, because that creates a larger search presence for your site. In other words, I’ve just been tricked by Masitsu. I might not have allowed his comment to sit on my website, but I’ve certainly highlighted him and his tricks enough that he might somehow get some traffic from here.
If you want my opinion, though, and you’re considering googling Masitsu and his tricks – don’t bother. It manages to, somehow, be even more poorly written than Atomic Kote.
Finally, I’d like to finish up by showing you these ‘nice’ comments. These might seem harmless at first, even amusing – I couldn’t refrain from commenting, indeed – but they’re just more people following the Masitsu’s trick formula. On WordPress, someone can enter a website in when they leave a comment behind. This, in turn, creates a link on their username. Clicking this link will take you, the reader, to the website that they’ve left behind. In this case, it’s another bunch of bollocks, created to lead you down a rabbit hole of backlinks and advertising revenue.
Michaela’s link takes us to a website alarmingly entitled ’91Porn’, but don’t worry, SFW fans, there’s no tits or anything, at least on the first layer. Instead, it seems to be some kind of personal Chinese profile for a ‘RuthBrodzk’. I have no idea why they’d want to create a backlink for this. There aren’t any advertisements here. I really don’t know what’s going on. Again, answers on a postcard – email@example.com.
More amusingly, Leo’s link takes us to a dead page on a website called ‘Tumindagraha’, which appears to be a website for classified adverts, ala CraigsList or something.
It’s nothing more than a bunch of nonsense, as you can see above. How made it happen all perform it’s magic? Then a lord on whose hand the king leaned answered the man tarot of prague? Seven Solutions For Solve Dog Hyperactivity Today?
That wasn’t me being incredulous, that was me trying to summon more traffic to the website again. It must work for these guys, right? The reason why it looks like badly translated nonsense is because they’re trying to cram as many keywords as possible into a single sentence.
And that’s your lot. The great spam-a-ram roundup. It wasn’t all that great, was it? The mediocre spam-a-ram roundup. Well, that’s a lesson learned for next time.
Atomic Kote is a blog that focuses on delivering the best content that I can manage, dealing with entertainment and gaming primarily. It’s all written independently by one person, me.
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