We’re back with another one of these. Check out the first part here, which was written before we even knew what the name of the game was. Ah, memories.
Here’s five more.
#5 – Goombario
Ah, Goombario. We all love Goombario, don’t we? His first and only appearance was as a party member in Paper Mario for the Nintendo 64, unless you count his planned cameo in the sequel, Thousand Year Door. Which you shouldn’t, because as I said, it was just planned, and it was ultimately removed from the game in the end.
But it shouldn’t have been, because Goombario is ace. What could he bring to Smash? Well, it’s a bit unfair that Mario’s most iconic baddie has no representation in Smash. Especially when you’ve got Piranha Plant there. There’s not even an assist trophy or anything. Bullshit, mate. No excuse.
He has a whole cavalcade of moves that you could make a moveset from, like Headbonk, where he leaps in the air and smashes his squishy skull into an enemy. And then there’s Multibonk, where he does the same thing, just, er, multiple times. Alright, well, he can use Tattle, which – oh, can’t really use that one as an offensive move.
Maybe he’s better off as an assist trophy, then. Sorry.
#4 – That Guy From Wild Gunman
After I finished Red Dead Redemption 2, I realised that this game needs a cowboy in it. And who better than this prick from Wild Gunman, eh?
Sure, you could argue that the Sheriff from Sheriff is a more relevant inclusion, but I think that this guy is just a tad more well defined. He’s not just a daft little yellow blob, for one thing. And his catchphrase, ‘fire’, is unquestionably iconic.
Obviously he’d have moves revolving around his gun – I think you can cover most of the special moves with that – but he could have a wacky lasso recovery. Like the hookshot on Link, but not as shit.
For his Final Smash, it could be a twitch affair, where the screenshot above fills the field. If you don’t press A in time, ala the original game, then it’s an instant KO for you. Goodnight.
#3 – Dr Shrunk
Some people whinged about Isabelle when she was revealed. Those people are fools. If the game can stand thirty Fire Emblem reps or whatever, then what’s the harm with having three or more Animal Crossing characters? Absolutely nothing. And for me, ol’ Dr. Shrunk is a must have.
Depending on which game you’re playing, he’s either an emoticon merchant, a stand-up comedian, or club manager. And let me just tell ya – he is irritating as fuck in all three roles. The guy can’t tell a decent joke. Let’s take a look at this example, shall we?
Nobody ever laughs at him. Everyone in the village apparently thinks he’s desperately shite, but that just makes his successes all the more noteworthy. He goes from being a part time comedian, to a full time comedian, to the manager of an establishment that’s called Club LOL, for goodness sake. Despite the fact that he’s rubbish, he’s just gone up and up and up, turning himself from zero to hero, a true comedy legend in whatever world Animal Crossing is set in. That takes hard work.
And that’s precisely why he’d be in Smash. I don’t even need to justify it with a moveset. Dr Shrunk has defied expectations time and time again, so I’m sure that he could come up with an award winning routine for Smash. Stop mucking about Sakurai, and get this lad on the roster.
#2 – Xananab
Donkey Kong, despite the fact that it dragged Nintendo out of the dirt back in 1981, is grossly underrepresented in Smash. Things have gotten a little better with the addition of K. Rool, but there’s still work to be done. Work like Xananab.
His first and only appearance is in obscure Game Boy Advance title Donkey Kong Jungle Climber, but you don’t need to worry about that, really. For you see, despite the fact that Xananab looks like the literal representation of Donkey Kong’s carnal desires, he’s actually an alien from planet Plantaen. No, he’s not an alien banana or anything. Just an alien. That’s what he looks like. Yeah, like a peeled banana. Seriously.
He doesn’t really do much in the game that he’s in, to be honest. He’s just the reason that you’re doing whatever you’re doing. He looks after five Crystal Bananas, which are important for some reason. Predictably, King K. Rool and his Kremling cunts have nicked off with them, and it’s up to Donkey Kong to take ’em back for ol’ Xananab here. In the process, Donkey Kong does some jungle climbing. Which involves pressing the shoulder buttons. A lot.
Occasionally, he’ll lend a hand by setting up a portal called a Spirowarp. That’s about all he does, though, apart from chirp out useless advice. But, hey – Spirowarp, that’s a move right there. Could be his recovery. It’d obviously be a teleport of some kind. You’d have to get creative with the rest of his moves, but those long banana peel hands look like they’d be great for slapping people around. He could also throw banana peels around or something, which’d make people trip up.
For his Final Smash, he could call in his Banana Spaceship. Yeah, that’s a real thing in the game – of course it is. He’s an alien, how else is he supposed to get about? Anyway, it could fly in and fire a big yellow banana laser or something like that. You know, it’d be one of those Final Smashes that just fills half of the screen up with an enormous projectile. It’s not like you can do much else with the source material. But that never stopped Smash – just look at Duck Hunt Duo.
#1 – Buzz Buzz
Buzz Buzz is from cult classic Earthbound. He’s apparently a bee according to the English translation – but in the above he looks more like some kind of beetle.
Anyway. If you’re unfamiliar, he’s basically a messenger from the future who knocks about with you for the first half an hour or so of the game. He casually obliterates all of the random encounters that you come across, but ultimately gets defeated when he gets swatted by Pokey’s dickhead Dad.
He could be a similar character in Smash – the ultimate glass cannon. He’d have a wee tiny hit box, and do massively damaging PK moves, but getting a solid hit on him would mean an instant KO.
His Final Smash is pictured in the concept art above. In it, he’d summon a giant flaming meteor, ’cause that’s what he arrives on in Earthbound. Obviously, if you get hit by it, it does enormous damage. It’d probably be bigger than as seen above, too. Just pretend it’s in the distance or something. I couldn’t be bothered doing more scribbles with the pencil tool.
Some people took the first list a bit too seriously, so I hope the intent is more clear in this one. Honestly, though, it doesn’t make much of a difference to me as to how you react to this list. Cheers.
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